Our Man In Chocolate
a new romantic comedic play
Written and Directed
by Frank John Verderame
"...I hold the world, Gratiano, a stage where every man must play a part. And mine a sad one." From Merchant of Venice (I,i,77-79) - favorite quote of Richard Cahill, fiancee of Dr. Perri Muster and the victim of their relationship.
Future link to our video called "Come Fill My Receptacle"
What's up with Laurel and that accent? This is the new edition of Laurel Grist's audio diary. I can't very spend all my time writing this out, like Perri did when she was in her youth, keeping her own diary. I can't ruin my hands. I have a voice and I'll use it. As loud as I want. As long as I don't disturb mommy downstairs. Sometimes not just downstairs. I know she listens at my door. I hear her cane when it hits the door, hampering her escape when she's discovered. Right now my annoyance is peaking because I know she's waiting with a pick by the door for me to dress so I can crack the ice on the front walk. I hate hate cracking the ice. January 30th She yelled at me for using salt on the front walk. You know I mean mommy yelling, don't you? Who am I recording this for? Sometimes I feel like it’s Perri, but she cares little, for nothing except her Med school. Sometimes I think it's for Jimmy -- but he would laugh in his mean way with that whore, who is probably an actual February 1st She won't let me hire that pack of neighborhood boys to clear the walk. I'm 27 years old -- what am I doing back here! Oh, she was so sweet and seductive when I lost my apartment. But it's a trap! A trap! Oh, there she is again -- calling! February 2nd We're expecting another Nor’easter. I know every technical weather term now. Everyone at the parlor has someone to do the shoveling, yes of course, they have their men. So I'm the one who is always late getting to the job. Every day since Christmas. If she calls me one more time when I'm at the desk, supposed to be working, with an order for the market -- I will tear the phone out of the socket! By the way, some tall woman officer handed me a flier today about writing to a man as a pen pal who is down on his luck. I think that’s so old-fashioned and sweet. February 8th The longest night of my life. I'm exhausted beyond exhaust. I'm running on fumes. And when she's released you know it will all be my fault. Of course -- again!! Just as I'm scrambling out the door yesterday, late after a pointless argument about using up her coffee -- how much does it cost and how much does she really need to drink? -- She stalked after me, finally off her walker from her hip fracture and almost ready to strike me with my own beautiful travel cup I got from Wegman's, filled with her coffee. In her grip, it was nothing more than a super sized mug of spite. When fate dropped its evil hand down from the sky and smacked mommy in the hip. She found the one black brick on the walk to slip on invisible black ice to fall in a smash and to break the pin itself holding together the same hip fracture that took six months of therapy and complaints to heal. Then, with her unfailing ability to take everyone down on an emotional sinking ship, she saved the coffee, handing it up to me with a last comment before she passed out. "This is for people too cheap to pay for 7-Eleven" February 9th I've been writing to an affectionate man, I can't tell how old he is from the handwriting and he's in a place called February 14th For Valentine's Donald sent me my name on a license plate! March 2nd I've signed up for a Spanish course for beginners. I love education but this is the first subject I've taken since I had to repeat the calorie counting class at weight watchers. Donald says he'd like me to write him in another language for some reason. March 10th Finally, it's above freezing and we’re having no more long speeches on how invisible black ice is. I got B's in my first two Spanish tests. When I spoke some Spanish at home, mommy was suddenly quiet. She finally realized I was speaking two languages -- speaking in tongues. It so impossible to tell -- but was she impressed? March 12th Mommy finally told me less night she admires when someone speaks in another language -- even someone uneducated. Was that a revelation! Unfortunately I have to drop Spanish because Donald wrote that the guards -- maybe his bodyguards? -- I think he's famous -- read Spanish. I'm going right now, after I get my Snickers bar from the freezer, to sign up for something he suggested called Esperanto. March 12th later Another impossible discussion about paying for coffee!! I could blow out of vein -- screaming!! March 15th Still no raise for me at the parlor. And that friend who needed a roommate suddenly got a big dog and has no room for me. And the thing looks like a monstrous ferret anyway. My diary cassette tapes were out of order right when I started this. I think she's been listening to them. I would go right down there to challenge her but she's such a bully when she backs me into a corner with her powered jazzy wheelchair! "You'd better get out of my way when I'm running my jazzy!" she says. March 15th midnight Am I going to sleep well tonight! She denied it of course until I got angry and shouted three words in Esperanto. I had no idea what -- I think they were irregular verbs for traveling. I think like when you go somewhere new and skip days and become irregular. But was she humbled? Cause she gave up that she was in my room -- first saying the track marks in the rug were from her cleaning with the vacuum, then admitting she wanted to know what I was saying in my diary. Maybe I shouldn't tell her when I record things about her anymore. But still -- Esperanto rules!! March 20th I took Donald's note to my Esperanto as a second language instructor, Mr. Rauol, and I'm speechless. But I can still talk. -- There, I took a break to drink two cans of Schlitz beer. Mother finished my March 21st Another snowstorm. That was normal. Strange was Perri visiting to introduce this pruny man called Richard who shoveled the walk then he made Mommy laugh for an hour. It was uncomfortable turning into creepy. March 23rd Perri says I should tell mommy about Donald's different living arrangement. Is that a good idea? April 2nd Richard put down a speed bump for her wheelchair, for mommy's jazzy, for April Fool's -- and she loved it! Everything he does is so wonderful -- what a dreck! Oh, oh! Donald left the message for me on the answering machine. His voice is so deep -- so rimchaw -- that's Esperanto for magisterial. I have to wait until he calls me back collect. April 7th A warm day today, in more ways than one. Meeting Donald was of course most wonderful -- so comda -- but the meeting was honestly kind of disturbing because of the harsh language, and that the groping and very rude activity I saw all-around me, which I won't describe. All right -- I'll just say, and don't listen to this, mommy, that the men liked women visiting to show and then to show their friends. I -- I had to drink from my cooler of Schlitz driving all the way home that to think about going back. April 9th End of semester and I just found out -- why do these things always happen? -- that I failed my language class final! I can't take the next level class and I care repeat the Esperanto because now it's too popular. And I need more because Donald says my writing stinks -- actually there was another word he used, kind of describing how you would eat a partly cooked egg. April 10th Same old thing with her. "How much of my coffee did you take? Why do I have to hire anyone to plant the begonias when you've got a strong back? Richard is to me like the son that you never were." Honestly, I didn't get that one. Now she ignores when I speak Esperanto because -- all right, I should never tell her when I get a failing test result. April 12th Everything is changed! My life, my love! I'm off to meet an agent to find a little pad, our own place. Donald may, hope against hope, get early parole! He moved up the list thanks to his snitching. April 15th Another delay. I was all day at
Read an extract from her audio diary below... (she goes on a bit)
January 25th
April 17th
Hope it'll be different tonight; didn't sleep for the last two nights -- worrying. Donald says I should switch to malt liquor, like all his crew. Good good news, may be enough to let my mind relax, I got promoted! I'm the weekend manager at now at the Nail Parlor and I get up to five dollars more an hour. Suddenly that first month security seems so doable.
April 20th
I don't know how but my Donald got caught up in a situation with his toothbrush and something called a shank. I have to let Richard help me move into my place. Perri has been a dear, pulling Richard off my new neighbor when the man did something careless like a backwards baseball cap or walk into the hallway with untied shoes. It's been much better with Perri since she's focused on Richard.
April 30th
Been a long bit since I had the time or the energy, or is it the need?, to get to my diary. I realize as I'm saying this -just now- that I forgot about dictating an entry, until right after I walked mommy off the bus today. Was it anger that drove me back to the diary? On my day off! It was my turn to take her out - and I don't think she'll ever let go of that walker- and on the first day in a month they said it might get cold enough for freezing rain. That's all she had to hear! More talk about ice and about falling! Every time she fell I was there -so what! Oh, she's the one making me explain myself on this cassette tape. By the way, in a week I'm driving down and my big man says he has something he wants to ask me -- I think I know!
April 28th
Tonight was my fourth cooking class at the college -half-price because of the fuss I put up about Mr. Rauol and my Esperanto class. Hint that he was inappropriate and they'll do anything. Donald was right again. So I accidentally spoke to mommy some French words and she shut up about Perri's graduation and her pulling the whole family out of the education shame. Who cares about Perri's horrible gown or the catered party - I hate parties! But the point is, another language and mommy backs off. I remember her always being quiet, stopping her pecking on Daddy. Did he bring foreign VCR tapes home on purpose? If I was talking to Perri anymore, I'd ask her!
April 27th
Not good, not good. What a horrible night. Another blow up. Of course the canceled visit with Donald was the worst disappointment. If they don't want inmates to experiment a little with fires, why is everything so burnable? It could be weeks now. And instead of mommy supporting me when I finally tell her my disappointment, it's a savage attack on my man and his work situation. Now I'm lower than Perri. On top of it all, I slipped and told her what an idiot she was when she gets quiet in awe of when I speak French. When I'm just muttering words from class like sauté and briolee and that she was completely stupid to be impressed by that! Just the worst thing to say,
April 30th
Driving back tonight from dear old
May 3rd
Indigestion all the way home now. It was a tense family dinner to start off and Richard is not family! Not yet and I hope never. He doesn't know how to behave at all at a stylish place like Denny's. You know that mommy took every opening to put me down. First it was that I was faking French with her, when I know how she honors foreign people – who she says built this country. How do I know that? How did they build anything when I only see them in the college, doing no construction at all? The only way I relate to her is if I pretend to be foreign! Where is the sense? Never would I pretend to be so phony! And then she went on about my Donald. All the pleasant conversation with him I was remembering about us being devoted to each other (like he wishes I was in there with him!) was blown right out the window at Denny's. Why did I even tell them? I should never leave my apartment or eat anywhere else. Here I feel so safe. But I should change this rug.
May 10th
No entry in a while. But I am soaring! I'm f-l-y-i-n-g! We have a date set in the cafeteria-Chapel at
May 12th
I found out about someone interviewing for my manager's job at the parlor. Doesn't look dangerous, I don't think. Will let you know.
May 13th
No news at work. I had to take mommy in for some banking because Perri was on call and Richard's getting some medication or therapy. He certainly needs it. She was cordial, ignoring me mostly. I almost said something about the wedding day, but it's my business. Afterwards I had this idea I might learn Chinese to impress her. But that's stupid.
May 14th
It happened. Someone called Jodi Ann was offered my job. I know I won't sleep tonight. No one knows if she'll take it. I don't know why things happen anymore. Why things happen to me. I want some chocolate.
May 30th
Catastrophe. My third day back at number
May 31st
Like the very good sister I've always been, I dropped everything off my schedule, even put off the only thing I had to look forward to all week: re-frosting my highlights, to help Perri shop for her new apartment. She knows I won't even look at a coffee table, for very old and good reasons, so we never got into that and she even didn't mock my ideas about end tables. It was really encouraging when she said, "what ever".
June 2nd
Donald asked me to send in those 30 little baggies with his white medicine hidden in containers of talcum powder. The hacks won't let him take his diabetes medicine -- and I don't know why. But this time when I met the gentleman called Skunky at 2 a.m. behind the empty Kmart, I thought I heard him click a gun or something. I wonder why. But I love to do little things for my man.
June 3rd
I'm so, so exhausted. I get up at 5 a.m. to place fliers for the new
June 4th
Well I'm back and I'm newly speechless. They took me out to dinner at Patti's and Richard paid! I had the upstate surf and turf's special: shrimp and bacon. And what do they do? They gave me a voucher for an adult education class for office furniture management at Corning Community! It's worth $310 -- so I'm freaking speechless! But wait -- Perri said it was a wedding gift to put me on a "career path". Imagine! Also she said it should be my ticket out. I would never leave
June 5th
I felt so official buying my used textbooks this afternoon. They are piled on a tall table in my room. Do I spot a Queen Ann table right in my own room? The other students had better hold on to their varnish once I get to class.
June 6th
I don't know -- all those doctors seem to know each other. Perri made a call to my gynecologist to make sure I'm on contraceptives. Is she allowed?
June 7th
I caught mommy trying to clean the slimy front walk by hosing it down and I immediately turned off the water. A serious attempt to break another hip? Such a busy time in June! The trees are all flowery. I got an offer to work at
June 30th
What a frightful, disgusting horror! They all sat me down to tell me how Donald has to use protection!
Even Richard looked uncomfortable -- I should say! And mommy smirking, circling Perri with her walker. Creek, creek on the dining room floor as Perri pointed her finger with a warning at my lap -- I could just throw up! Richard held on to the photo of my handsome man, asking with his odd fellow stare, what else Donald wears when he's not in his orange.
July 1st
I don't even want a bachelorette party after the way they treated me last night. But I'll go since all the women from the registrar's office really want to take me out and Su Park and Wendy Samsung from the Nail Parlor want to buy me drinks too. Even Jodi-Ann might come. I tell you, she knew it was an ugly thing to take my job. So I'm sure if she's there all-night there’ll be plenty of time to apologize and I'll help her by not bringing it up.
July 3rd
I'm back and yes, my upper area hurts and not from the ride -- not the car ride I mean! It was a wedding conjugal visit smoother than any Formica veneer! Even for a couple so meant for each other, the ceremony needed more of my attention than an inventory field trip to an IKEA opening! I only wish we could have videoed the process in between the cafeteria tables! How proud Warden Dick-wad looked from high above us behind his window of bulletproof glass!
July 3rd midnight
Still can't sleep! Mrs. Donald Dearborn!! He said the name reminds him of his mother, who’s missing for some reason. Only three weeks until we can join again in holy union on those exciting plastic sheets. My tender Donnie said he felt like he was a bulldog with a poodle in his mouth.
July 8th
So many things all day long. First I met Skunky really early for him (midnight), because he had to run this case of shells down to
July 10th
Well, you'll never believe my surprise, with all the changes, I got Ms. Ralph's job! She got pneumonia from shingles. It closed the second floor of the hospital and with that Marcella from overseas being new, I'm the most senior and I got the manager's job. 50,000 a year! Donald wants me to invest my first paycheck in Skunky's business. Isn't that so clever?
July 12th
So much busier! I got a C+ on my midterm so that's very good. But I'm skipping lunch to set up print-outs for the new freshman. Marcella is such a helpful dear. Just the two of us now. And it turns out she's not from overseas, she’s from
July 13th
Last day before freshman deadline. Marcella and I went to a bar she called a pub. It's funny how I can understand so much of her speech. Must be those 10 weeks of Esperanto class. We drank more than a thirsty perch thrown into a deep bucket -- like daddy used to say.
July 14th
Close call for everybody and my back is killing, killing me. I caught mommy sweeping the grass cuttings off the grass after the lawn boy finished up. Who sweeps the grass? I know why – to show me there was something that’s too hard for her to try from her walker that I’m supposed to do – that I’m supposed to read her mind from the look on her face which I can’t do if I move out!! So, all the cuttings in one slippery pile on the slimy front walk were piled on that one uneven black brick. And mommy is about to go down harder than your cellmate with the hack’s stick on his throat! So who dives in to prevent another fracture, using her back to protect mommy’s pinned hip from hitting the bricks again? Oh, and all I have in my bathroom for pain is Midol! Still, no hospitalization this time and no reason I can’t leave, is there?
July 15th
My birthday! And back in my own place -- 2 months of rent paid up in advance! The rest I sent off to my family -- my future, in
July 16th
I'm going to try to be regular with this. But I'm not going anywhere tonight because I have a horrible make-up essay. My overall grade was not spectacular and then with the time I missed, well spent down in
July 16th later
What a birthday! My delayed party, 2, 3 or four Genesee Ale, but who is it who's counting? But now it’s school work. How can I start the essay -- should I just talk? This subject has so much. But it's interesting because it's called "How Furniture Made Me the Woman, Man or Person of Neutral Gender I Am Today". So, so. I could start with the seat I had in first grade. It wasn’t a real chair because it was attached to the one in front and behind like all the desks in a class of Sr. Patientia. I got my love of learning sitting there in first grade -- both years. I like end tables because they're kind of punctuation marks around the living room. But of course I have always despised coffee tables. So mean, like a polished minefield ready to blow off your face if you look too long for your reflection. And I'm not being dramatic! Okay -- confession. There is a memory. It was a happy time to start, dressing up for Halloween for me and Perri. It was a month after my first promotion, out of first grade, when Mommy made me stand on the coffee table. Adjusting the cape on my Robin costume. Perri was to be Batman and I don't care because I liked Robin always better with the eye patch type mask which allowed you to smile and make faces. Then out of nowhere Perri came out dressed in mommy's most fancy wig and fake jewelry, causing an atomic blasting of laughter. Mommy pushed me off the coffee table to look at Perri and rave all louder "there's my big boned Perri dressed up like her mama. She looks so important but let's make it a masquerade". So who loses her bandit mask to disguise Perri -- but me! How could I be Robin without Batman and in a horrible confusion, without a mask? What little girl could trick or treat that? Not a Christmas, New Year's, birthday, Valentines or Fourth of July passed without that memory. Her over me. Daddy gone -- Mommy loves Perri. The dumb one in a cape follows Perri and her big friends door-to-door. Being pushed off the coffee table. The coffee table. Mommy, why won't you look or listen? Why can’t I stand on the … coffee table. Oh, breather. Am I'm rambling? I just finished the six pack. I don't even want to replay what I said. Move on. So that thing table is not what I want to describe -- ever. Except if you are following someone into the Warden's waiting room, then it's all right to focus on something ugly to avoid thinking of the very rude inmates trying to upset you with hand gestures. Now -- my essay -- this is not right. So getting past the emotion of coffee tables, the most powerful piece of office furniture is the desk. Most would agree. So important is an imposing desk. The first desk memory I have was an oak was the true Plantation Writing Table -- of Sr. Patentia.
How proud I was to stand by -- waiting with my 2 cents to buy a pretzel stick. Then to hear Sister say so considerately "two years in first grade,
July 17th
Got my new leased car! It's a compact! And something interesting. I met Marcella while I was taking mommy to get her toenails chopped. And mommy was going on about how Perri has Richard and who have I got around and on and on and I was just about to scream, when Marcella all she did was say cheerio and mommy choked back her nasty comments! She was like a druggie when Marcella spoke. After my first shock, I repeated some of Marcella's words under my breath and then answered her about how I was doing in this same kind of language. Was Mommy quiet the whole time I was holding her hand and the foot doctor was cleaning nail chips off his saw? Yes, she was! I have got to spend more time with Marcella!
July 20th
My whole afternoon wasted. Jodi Ann needed a ride to
August 3rd
Marcella says her family has a B&B near some college and she says she knows all about the conference they have on Future Forecasts in Furniture Fulfillment. But even if they could put me up, what could I learn because I know almost all there is to know from window shopping and of course my heavy research in magazines, don't I?
August 4th
We decorated Perri's apartment with junk from Richards 99 cents store. Real crap. We almost didn’t have the barbecue for mommy's birthday on Perri's terrace. Guess who was having a convenient colitis and almost couldn't be there to complain about dragging her walker into the elevator? I saw Richard's shaving things in the bathroom. I should say something to mommy.
November 1st
I can't believe I buried these tapes under my photos of classic end tables. I had to listen to the last one to catch up. How everything has changed and I've outgrown so many issues. First, Perri does everything for Mother since she got promoted or something in her training and she doesn't have to sleep anymore in the hospital. So I hardly talk to mother -- no more than once a day. She's absolutely respects me since I carefully use phrases from Great England. I bought Marcella Dunkin' Donuts for three mornings in a row and we chatted so I could work on my phrases. She thinks I'm being phony but you're not really, are you, if you just pretending to be someone new? I would never believe or even say that I'm from Great England. I mean I'll always know better. In the best news from Perri is that she broke up with the city's number one brain problem. I think she was actually sleeping with Richard in the hospital. So, so happy we'll never ever hear from him again. Donald wanted to know how much money Perri's got and he says he can set her up with a tall bloke in his cellblock who's in for a misunderstanding involving selling medication. Imagine driving down together to Sing Sing -- chatting and giggling like we were girls -- talking all about me. Perri could use some physical attention from a man. I suspect Richard was a kind of robot from what I heard when Perri was on her cellular phone in the car. What a bloody showoff, spending her salary on something like that. I’d never use one even in the future when things won't probably change all that much. Everything looks better on this sunny, shiny day. I can't wait to vote tomorrow to reelect President Bush to beat that Bill Clinton. Overall I know from now on, as long as I speak properly in real English, I'll never have any serious problem in my relationship with the maternal unit. I really feel, as you can imagine, I'll always be just so content getting love from Donald from afar. With Marcella, and me charge at the office, I've got such independence. I feel so sorry, really, for anyone who can’t separate from her family. What a mistake to spend so much time with one's mother. And when Perri suggested I could file letters in her office when she opens it, I just shook my head and thought never, never.
May 15th
Disaster followed by calamity-disaster. Then more disaster. I haven't dictated in my journal because my mind has been under such pressure. Have to say it was me who got confused when Marcella was away and the files had to be separated by numbers, chains and chains of numbers. We straightened it out when she came back but my position, my wonderful job with a long lunch hour and quitting at three o'clock, was not to be. And to think Perri offered me a job with no benefits, thank you, and later said I couldn't be trusted with filing? Maybe at lunch tomorrow with Marcella, she can tell me how to write an appropriate apology letter. I know Marcella doesn't want my job for herself. And then when that Richard listened to me last night, smearing steak sauce all over his face, then Perri lecturing and lecturing -- I knew I could never spend all day with my sister. I know how she’s tried to change me, everything I've become, so very different from her. With my deep marriage from afar, my Englishness and my devotion to appearance as a way to handle every situation.
The 15th of May later
Honestly, I'm thinking differently now. This fourth beer tastes better than the first. What if I change everything about me? How has my unswerving pursuit of excellence in everything, such as speech and manicures, made me happy? Soon the money will run out. But could I pursue another happiness? Could I tolerate the sharp teeth of Perri's questions every day? If Donald never gets past that unfortunate parole hearing, what will become of the loneliness I feel walking around my flat? Could I ever seek another man, dare I say it, someone convenient and young? Someone who shares my values, the most important things with me, like decorating my desk? Is there anyone, anywhere, to be found between the vast reaches of Horseheads, Painted Post and
**TRANSCRIBED BY TROALS HANSNOOT, OFFICE MANAGER TO DR. PERRI MUSTER, MD, EAR NOSE AND THROAT SPECIALIST ON HIS OWN INITIATIVE TO PRESENT TO DR. MUSTER** FROM TAPES FOUND IN PLAIN SIGHT CONCEALED RIGHT UNDER A PILE OF DEARBORN’S OWN GRISLY LAUNDRY**
